Bad News

Today I am telling myself to be grateful for bad news, and that it will make good news seem all that much sweeter when it comes, but it’s a small consolation for the heartache I feel.

Once again the embryologist called to tell me that my IVF cycle has been cancelled; this time because although they inseminated it, the egg failed to fertilise.

I feel numb with disappointment.

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Egg Collection

I am so grateful that they were able to collect an egg today at my EPU.

As everyone keeps reminding me, it only takes one.

Fingers crossed now that it fertilises!

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Circle + Bloom

Today I am grateful for my Circle + Bloom hypnotherapy program. Designed especially for woman undergoing IVF/IUI treatment, it has been the most peaceful and relaxing way for me to de-stress and focus my positive thoughts on each stage.

I really would recommend it to anyone going through fertility treatment. It is so calming.

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Egg Donor

Today I am indescribably grateful that one of my closest friends, out of the blue, text me offering me her eggs.

That’s not something any woman does lightly!!

Although she lives in another city we have always been close and she’s been following my ‘adventures’ with IVF keenly. She’s always told me that she can’t think of anyone who would make a better parent than me, and today she said if she can help make that a reality, she will. I’m so touched!

After 3 failed IVF cycles and looking down the barrel of number 4, it was only yesterday I raised the question of egg donation with my fertility specialist. I’m not yet ready to give up on my own baby making factory, but today I am reassured that if mine can’t produce the goods, there’s a back-up plan in place.

And if nothing at all ever comes of it I’ll still never forget this moment; a completely generous altruistic offer from a woman I care deeply for.

*tears welling right now as I think about it*

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Hopeful Heart

Today I am finding it hard to be grateful after crying so many tears, but I am grateful I still have some hope in my heart.

I spent the morning fasting and being prepped for day surgery; today was my egg collection day for IVF round number 3. Everything was the same familiar routine right up until I came out of anaesthetic. A nurse leaned in close before I had a chance to look for the texta number on my hand; the one they write the number of eggs collected. It felt just like a hazy bad dream when she said ‘I’m so sorry sweetie – they weren’t able to collect any eggs today’, and the tears started to flow.

All those injections for nothing. All the time off work for nothing. All those thousands of dollars spent for nothing. All my emotions invested for nothing.

I feel so empty.

Empty of everything except hope. By some cruel twist of fate hope survives, and it sings its tune from within the recesses of my broken heart, and I know ill be putting myself through all this again. That glimmer of hope shining from within is the only thing reminding me of the person I was yesterday.

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My Dreams

Today I am incredibly grateful for my dreams. My day was challenging right off the bat starting with a session of Accupuncture, followed by a blood test, followed by a trans-vaginal ultrasound. By the time I arrived at work I was feeling pretty violated!

I had my trigger injection tonight so it was my last jab until I go into day surgery on Friday for my egg collection. Fingers crossed this is it!

My dream of becoming a mum keeps me focussed on the end goal and helps me forget all the unpleasantness along the way.

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Belly Fat

Today I am grateful for my belly fat. Yes, you read that right. I’m glad I have a bit of extra padding around the middle; my muffin top; my spare tyre; my donut; my love handles. Whatever you want to call it, I’m glad it’s there.

I’ve been putting so many needles in it lately that I’ve filled a sharps container already this month and I’m onto my second one, and that’s without including Accupuncture needles! When I started IVF treatment I really sucked at injecting myself; I would leave these massive bruises that would hurt for days. Now that I’m on my third cycle Im pleased to say Ive improved somewhat 😉

Thank goodness for my bit of belly fat. It gives me plenty of room to choose a new spot every single day.
Silver linings.

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IVF Support

Today I am grateful for the support I get through a couple of online IVF forums. IVF can feel like such a lonely process, especially when I’m alone in my kitchen at night preparing to inject more drugs into my body, but tonight it was a little bit easier.

Tonight I got chatting to another girl online, one who’s recently become pregnant, about a hypnotherapy program she used that I’m interested to try. She was a welcome distraction from the jab of the needles, and she reignited the hope once again that all this might not be in vain. Just maybe there’ll be a baby at the end of it all.

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IVF Treatment

Today I am grateful for what scientists are capable of in the field of IVF treatment. Today I started the drugs for my third attempt, and although I’m not a fan of needles, without them my chances of having a baby would be a big fat zero.

So, as the rollercoaster ride of hormones and raw emotion is pulling away from the station, I’m triple checking my safety net and playing for a miracle.

Fingers crossed!

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eBay Auctions

Today I am grateful for eBay. I never would have thought about adding eBay to this list, but when I think about how eBay has contributed to my goals then it really has to be here.
Rewind a few months to late last year. I had made the big, rather life changing decision to undertake IVF treatment (there’ll more on that in other posts, I’m sure!). I really embarked on it quite blindly in a financial sense because I had no idea what I was in for at all. When the bills started to roll in with too many zeros on the end I panicked a bit. They were huge, and I couldn’t afford to keep chasing my baby dreams without supplementing my regular wage somehow.
Hello eBay!
I started scouting through my local charity stores for great clothes and before I knew it my little part-time eBay gig was up and running.
I really am grateful for the ready made shopping community that is eBay because without it I’d be struggling to make ends meet AND pay for IVF. Because of eBay I’m able to donate to wonderful charities by buying their clothes and preventing them from ending up in landfill, listing the wonderful treasures I’ve found for an online shopper to discover, and making myself some money along the way.
Yay for eBay!

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